Perfection

"Sure I could, but pray tell me, what kind of man would thou call perfect?"

"Well. Let's see. He should be smart, for starters."

"Alright."

"Funny."

"OK."

"By funny, I mean he should have the power to make me laugh."

"That's the funny I jotted down, as it happens. Pray proceed."

"He should be confident."
"Not like, you know, arrogant, but confident. At the same time, he should be humble and ready to laugh at himself."

"Gotcha."

"He should have a sense of curiosity, empathy for others and an open mind."

"Uh-huh. Anything else?"

"Erm.. I think that's about it."

"Sure?"

"Yep."

"One last time - are you really sure that's all?"

"God, you're such a mother. God!"

"Alright, alright. Brb."






"Ta-da!"

"Well? Where's my perfect man?"

"Right in front of you, mortal."

"WHAAA?! But I asked for - "

"Smartness? This man has that nous thing in spades. Ask him something, anything."

"Why do men have nipples? No, NO. Don't answer that. He may well be smart, but I thought - "

"Is he funny? You bet he is, as I, who's a touch more omniscient than you are, can attest to. Besides, he's witty in a self-deprecating way. Doesn't that check the humility box as well?"

"I'm sure he's humble, O God (I mean, look at him), but, but - "

"He does not appear to be confident?"

"That's not what I - "

"But he is. No less than a Toastmasters Level 10! One more, and he could well be your next President."

"Ugh. But, but... he's a nerd!"

"I mean, he might well check whatever boxes I explicitly listed, but, but, there were some unspoken requirements, if you get what I mean.

"No, I do not pretend to understand the way your minds work. And that's no compliment."

"God! Erm.. well... he is erm... a little on the chubbier side, isn't he?"

"Chubby.. and funny and confident and with a remarkable capacity for - "

"OK OK. But come on. He is practically wearing a jelly tyre around the middle."

"Fascinating bit of articulation but it still behooves you to - "

"And, and I mean, I don't want, like, a Brad Pitt or anything,  but some muscles would be nice. I'd settle for as little as a 150 pound bench presser."

"Muscles? He has just as many muscles as you do, and more than he needs for being confident, empathic and - "

"But he wears mismatching sweaters! He's fat! He's not tall enough! He's fat! His hair isn't perfect! He's not cool! HIS TEETH DON'T LINE UP!"

"God. God? GOD??!"

Reminders

All we need are really important tasks that don't seem important enough when we're making reminders, so that we actually make reminders for them. You could try temporary brain transplants?

Travelling!

Sometimes, just sometimes, in the interest of sanity, you give up and go blow your brains out with a shotgun. Or, you go travellin' again!
PS: I know you have perfect vision, but click the image to see the text. Yes, there's text.
PPS: It could just be me, but if you still can't read the text, go here directly - https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhAhpDgLuEsycg8C3ljIv9VAEKzYvA7DgiYPZu0j7xiyC7rfqAeKhy9sjg54tej-6RDPPCxsSuHPEzPOx2X-kv_vLVfeNhQbtLueIRGRtY0qPrQlyp0h1jDxX0bmamDf0P-E4ra-Zq5Xei/s1600/Travelling.jpg

Photogenic

Every time you say I'm photogenic, I know what you really mean. No, really.

So, in an effort to break my sleep-food-drugs-sleep-sleep-food-drugs-sleep-food-food-drugs-sleep cycle (yeah, it sicks being suck), here's my contribution to what I think should be a regular column. I think I'll call it the vaguely Dutch sounding De Vilktionary (Devil's dictionary and Wiktionary.org, geddit?). Or should it be Cyniktionary.org (Wiktionary and .. you get it)? Alright, I'll get back to my drug induced stupor while you guys work it out.

Love - A Snark's Tale

My very first kinetic typography video, yay!
I've noticed it's a bit jerky on FF. Try Chrome if it happens for you!
(And yes I realize some bits are too slow, but after spending hours and hours trying re-keyframe the composition to slow down the video, and even longer trying to export to a video file that's not 1.5 GB in size, I'm through man, I'm through.)

Defusing Horror

My attempts at fighting back against horror films.
[I couldn't figure out how to upload this super long image into blogger, so here's the flickr link]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/52214053@N04/9804159653/sizes/o/in/photostream/

[In case you're wondering what it's all about. *cough* long image *cough*, scroll down the flickr image, you bumpkins.]

Laziness == Intelligence

So you’re chewing gum.

It’s nearly time for bed, and you’ve been chewing for hours and hours, and you’d like to get rid of it.

But you need something to wrap it in.

The nearest bit of waste paper (yesterday’s unread newspaper – you’re sure it won’t mind) is on the desk. Too far away.

What’s closest to you is that cheque for Rs 20,000 that the CEO of your company gave you the other day.

 

If you tore a teeny, weeny bit off the side, would somebody at the bank complain?

Probably not, but even if they did, you could claim the rat ate it. Yes, there’s a major rat problem at home.

Besides, you could get another one. It’s just a piece of paper. After tearing out the bit to wrap the chewing gum up, you could crumple the rest of it for good measure.

Done. Torn. Wrapped. Tossed. Wait, not tossed.

The dustbin’s too far away. It’s even further than the desk. This is ridiculous. As an experienced rubbish tosser, you calculate that the chances of you making the basket are less than even.

So, you just decide to keep the Rs 20,000 cheque-wrapped-gum-wad under your pillow.

What if it unwraps itself? Cheque paper is notoriously crumple-resistent.

That won’t be good if it happens. Black and sticky things aren’t good.

You could then flip the pillow case inside out.

Oh wait, mum would notice the rather unsightly (black and sticky) stain on the inside, that should actually be on the outside.

You could crumple the pillow cause up, with the Rs 20,000 cheque-wrapped-gum-wad still inside, and chuck it into the attic. (There’s a 90% chance of making it, especially if you weight it. What’s around? What’s around? Ah, that textbook you haven’t read in like forever should do just fine.)

Now there’s a missing pillow case.

The dog peed on it, surely?

But why’d the dog pee on it? Didn’t you take her out on time?

There was this one time you got home late, and the dog was looking all sad eyed. You sympathized. Only later when you saw the dripping pillow case, you realized why.

But why chuck it into the attic?

It smelt so bad you had to get rid of it quickly.

What if you are asked to get it back?

Remember that rat? It’s excreted liberally on the side of the attic that the chucked pillow case (with the Rs 20,000 cheque-wrapped-gum-wad) ended up on.

What a pity.

That entire chain of thought probably took less than a second to run through. Isn’t laziness just the most delightful brain stimulator? All you movers, shakers, workeraholics, you're missing out, man.

Conformist Approval Junkies

It's all a dream, man, all a dream. 'Zalwayz, click to see.

Maturity

Is this just an Indian thing? Probably. Heh. Click to see.

My Humour Compatibility Index

I just.... despise that word.
(*cough* cracked.com *cough*)