"Sure I could, but pray tell me, what kind of man would thou call perfect?"
"Well. Let's see. He should be smart, for starters."
"Alright."
"Funny."
"OK."
"By funny, I mean he should have the power to make me laugh."
"That's the funny I jotted down, as it happens. Pray proceed."
"He should be confident."
"Not like, you know, arrogant, but confident. At the same time, he should be humble and ready to laugh at himself."
"Gotcha."
"He should have a sense of curiosity, empathy for others and an open mind."
"Uh-huh. Anything else?"
"Erm.. I think that's about it."
"Sure?"
"Yep."
"One last time - are you really sure that's all?"
"God, you're such a mother. God!"
"Alright, alright. Brb."
"Ta-da!"
"Well? Where's my perfect man?"
"Right in front of you, mortal."
"WHAAA?! But I asked for - "
"Smartness? This man has that nous thing in spades. Ask him something, anything."
"Why do men have nipples? No, NO. Don't answer that. He may well be smart, but I thought - "
"Is he funny? You bet he is, as I, who's a touch more omniscient than you are, can attest to. Besides, he's witty in a self-deprecating way. Doesn't that check the humility box as well?"
"I'm sure he's humble, O God (I mean, look at him), but, but - "
"He does not appear to be confident?"
"That's not what I - "
"But he is. No less than a Toastmasters Level 10! One more, and he could well be your next President."
"Ugh. But, but... he's a nerd!"
"I mean, he might well check whatever boxes I explicitly listed, but, but, there were some unspoken requirements, if you get what I mean.
"No, I do not pretend to understand the way your minds work. And that's no compliment."
"God! Erm.. well... he is erm... a little on the chubbier side, isn't he?"
"Chubby.. and funny and confident and with a remarkable capacity for - "
"OK OK. But come on. He is practically wearing a jelly tyre around the middle."
"Fascinating bit of articulation but it still behooves you to - "
"And, and I mean, I don't want, like, a Brad Pitt or anything, but some muscles would be nice. I'd settle for as little as a 150 pound bench presser."
"Muscles? He has just as many muscles as you do, and more than he needs for being confident, empathic and - "
"But he wears mismatching sweaters! He's fat! He's not tall enough! He's fat! His hair isn't perfect! He's not cool! HIS TEETH DON'T LINE UP!"
"God. God? GOD??!"
