I'm a classy Higgs-Boson

This one's partially inspired by a couple of Facebook statuses and/or comments by the venerable Chun Man, and the marauding Bin-it machine. Thank you guys! (Tip: follow the links. :) )

• Religion is opium for the masses.
• I’m not an addict, I’m a good person, I don’t do it.
• Besides, I don’t go for mass stuff, I’m classy.
• (No, that does not mean I do Class E drugs either. Didn’t I say I’m not an addict? I'm curious though: what're they? Do you get make them from fermented internets?)
• What? The school only has classes A-D? Right, I’ve passed out of school.
• No, I didn’t fake a faint to get a promotion to college. I...  never mind.
• Speaking of the classiness of mass, I don’t like those Higgs Boson fellows.
• They’re to blame for all the mass in the world, I hear. Ergo, Higgs and his overweight partner Boson were the primal stupid people, because the masses are stupid.
• But those religious people who do that Sunday thing, wait, they’re actually looking for Higgs Bosons?
• Religion is stupid, but I already knew that.
• Wait, wait, wait a darn minute. Scientists are addicts then, because you know, they worship Higgs Boson and do other such mass-y stuff, and that’s religion.
• Sigh, I don’t do science either then.
• Addicts are bad, and scientists are addicts, so science is bad. But so is religion, and religion is what says addicts are bad, so either science and religion are bad, or addicts are good.
• Addicts are good. Yay for rock n’ roll.
• (Yes, I know rocks can roll because they have mass. )
• But wait, does that mean I’m bad?
• I want to be good, and science says being mass-ive is bad, and science is bad, so to be good, I need to gain mass.
• No more exercise!