3G Connectivity, Unicorns and Quantum Physics

I have come to realize that a fundamental reality of the physical Universe - a strange, surreal reality, a reality that's so at odds with everyday experience that most are inclined to disbelieve it - is actually much more commonplace than we think. This is the reality of the Uncertainty Principle, and the commonplace manifestation I'm alluding to is the uncanny tale of the uncertainty of the third generation of mobile telecommunications technology.

That made no sense, eh? That's all right. High science-ese is not for everybody. In plain words then:

'You either see the 3G indicator on your mobile phone display, or you have 3G connectivity.'

This deceptively simple law is of profound significance. A practical example may further illuminate the ramifications of this law:  if you see the 3G ('H') indicator on your mobile phone screen 95% of the time, you do NOT have 3G connectivity 95% of the time. Don't believe me? Try watching your favourite Youtube clip when you have that 3G ('H') indicator flashing seductively on your screen.

What? Can't... what? I'm sorry - what you're saying is getting lost in all the stopping and starting and buffering. Oh.. 2G. QED.

If, at this point in time, you're hyperventilating in breathless shock, take your time to recover. (How can this be? I spend 42% of my salary on 3G connectivity?!) The blunt fact of this law will wait for you, even if time and tide won't.

Back?

So, if your cranial gears have been busy, you'll wonder if there's a way out.

'What if I do NOT see the 3G indicator 95% of the time?'
'What if I force the 2G ('E') indicator on 95% of the time? Applying the uncertainty law in reverse, doesn't that mean that I'll have 3G connectivity 95% of the time?'

Unfortunately, while this is an astute observation on your part, especially given that you're half dead from apoplexy, you've failed to account for the third principle of Mobile Phone Graphical User Interface Design:

'You do not have 3G connectivity if you do not have the 3G indicator on your mobile phone display.'

Work through the implications of both these fundamental laws, and you'll come to realize that you're - to use a little layman-speak - screwed. At this point, you'll skip through the five stages of grief rather quickly and reach acceptance, because it'll occur to you that the implications of these laws are remarkably in tune with your experience so far.

And your experience so far is that you never, ever, ever really get 3G connectivity.

Ah, well.