Admit it, every time you hear that famous tennis star hold forth on the problems plaguing the nation, you roll your eyes so hard, wondering
“Just who does he think he is?”
“He is just someone who <INSERT PUT-DOWN HERE>
You hem and haw and mumble looking for the just right amount of vitriol to slay that tennis star by insulting his profession so hard he's going to look for his mum.
Don’t bother!
We’re at your service with this handy guide of put-downs. There’s a put-down for every profession (we’re good liars, just saying)! Just plug them in and play!
To start you off, here’s what you’d say to that know-it-all tennis star.
“Just who does he think he is?”
“He is just someone who mostly stands around waiting for spectators to settle in with their beers, with a bit of bouncing a fluffy ball endlessly, and a teeny bit of knocking the yellow thing back and forth with a catgut pan.”
“BOOM.”
(The BOOMs are all yours.)
Software Engineers
Mostly do coffee and gossip breaks with a bit of streaming YouTube videos off fast (and free) WiFi, and occasionally sending emails. Top class at looking, sounding and smelling (who’s got time for laundry) busy.
Movie Stars
Obscenely rich grown-up-children who’re only good at playing pretend and dress up with only moderate success.
Politicians
Greasy palmed bumpkins who’re accomplished at reading words off screens while puffed up; typically sourced either from conmen or movie stars (see: Movie Stars)
Teachers
People who, because no one else listens, get a classroom full of uncaring imps to “repeat after me” the seventeen different pointless elements of the endocrine system.
Doctors
Mammon’s children, that mostly sit around prescribing antibiotics to hypochondriacs, with a side dish of pointless MRI scans and an afters of redundant surgery.
Cricketers
(Not very) athletes that run around with patterned wooden sticks trying to hit heavy leather balls in various directions, with a strange but unspoken fetish for wearing white night-pyjamas.
Musicians
The most common category of conmen adept at fooling a particular subsection of the populace into believing that listening to the same sounds over and over again is a form of sensory pleasure.
Scientists
Penniless sociopaths who spend their lives in an endless pursuit of intellectual masturbation
Pop Singers
Generally indistinguishable from movie stars in that they don’t actually sing, only sometimes outdoing the latter in the arts of self-preenery.
Social Workers
Wastrels trying to douse the Sun’s fire one thimbleful of salt water at a time
Conmen
Conmen (props for honesty?)
But wait. We aren’t done yet. What’s that you’re blubbering? Somebody insulted your profession? Wipe your tears, O baby bawler, for we’re still at your service. Out with the put-downs then, and in with the er.. Put-ups!
Here’s a snippet of conversation to get you going. You’re a tennis star. And someone’s just scorched you with a put-down. You’re hyperventilating, trying to calm your racing mind into formulating an adequate comeback. Here’s what you should say:
“Do you know that being successful at this sport is the result of thousands of hours of hard work and practice and perspiration culminating in the ultimate display of hand-eye coordination, discipline, stamina, grit and elevated emotions, thrilling millions of people the world over?"
"BOOM"
(Again, the BOOMs are all yours. We aren't responsible for any jaws that might hit the floor and shatter. We recommend soft, down, carpety floors.)
Software Engineers
Wizards of the modern age, that run the world using only 1s and 0s, while pushing the human mind to its absolute limit building all the things that the human mind can only dream of doing.
Movie Stars
People with magical powers capable of transporting audiences into another person's body, another person's life, another era, a time that never was, a time that never will be, into depravities that only exist in the human mind, animals, plants and rocks, all with voice modulation and a raised eyebrow.
Politicians
Luminaries that suffer through endless scorching criticism and the relentless weight of the Public Eye just to play a part in shaping the future of humanity into a good and noble one, because no one else is willing to.
Teachers
Angels in human form that give up more lucrative means of vocation to guide the young people of the nation into decent citizens who will not kill everyone else over mislabelled cups of latte.
Doctors
They work Venusian hours, with sleep little more than a luxury, and death and heartbreak and pain a daily reality, just to keep you ticking and whining about the world.
Cricketers
In this post-modern era of rampant irreligiosity, the acts of these giants transcend the harsh realities of the nation they spring from, elevating their people into a throbbing mass of unity of emotion: prophets of a new religion.
Musicians
They claim to have seen the birth of the Universe, but does anyone really know why the E chord rings pure and true, thrilling the human mind into ecstasy? These are the mystics who've honed their craft through hours of toil, and with little reward, just to channel their truth and trigger feelings in you you didn't know you had. And needed.
Scientists
The pursuit of humanity's only truly multi-generational endeavour, and perhaps humanity's only true achievement, is led by these intrepid pioneers as they build a Universe sized pyramid one little brick at a time.
Pop Singers
The pulse of an age, the zeitgeist, the thing that unites a generation more than politics or technology is the words that flow from their mouths. With their catchy croonings, they touch the hearts of millions, and bring them together in love or hate.
Social Workers
Self-sacrificing Gods on Earth who've forsaken everything to make a tiny slice of this planet just a little better to live in.
Conmen
High EQ geniuses who excel at parting fools from their money, a vocation essential in a functioning society.
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