The Worst of the Worst

On a drowsy Saturday afternoon, a group of men and women sat around a metaphorical campfire, discussing the worst moments of their lives.

Like most campfire anecdotes, metaphorical or otherwise, the tales became taller with each passing moment and each passing cup of sangria.

“There was that time when I forgot to wear pants. Everyone, every single person, congratulated me on being a fashion trend-setter, and after a day of basking in adulation, I went back home and saw myself in a mirror. I died.”

“I spent my whole life crying about my parents who’d died in a plane crash. Then on my first Europe backpacking trip as an adult, I met them relaxing on a beach in Greece. They didn’t like me as an adult either.”

From time to time, gasps and shrieks were emitted with perfunctory politeness. But the seething masses wanted more. And the more came from an unexpected direction or two.

“Oh, there was that time when I slipped on a banana peel and fell.”

The audience murmured sympathetically, but were not impressed at all. Each man and woman had bigger scars to show, and bigger scars had been shown already. This was a papercut.

The banana-peel guy, a quiet, glum, at-peace-with-mediocrity guy in his forties looked around and spoke again.

“The story isn’t done yet, folks. I slipped on the banana peel, fell and broke four bones in my foot.”

“AWWWWW”, went a few.

“A sort of body wave ensued and my spine first snapped against the rock-hard surface. And then, within moments, my neck whipped against the rock-hard surface. Finally, my head clattered into the rock-hard surface. Did I mention the surface was hard as concrete?”

“AWWWWW”, went a few more.

“I was paralyzed for two months, bed ridden for four, and suffered permanent brain damage.”

“AWWWWWWWWW!”, a paroxysm of wild chanting swept the throng.

Suitably satisfied, the man went back to his chair by the metaphorical campfire, with a glow of perverse achievement on his face. Little was he to know that within moments he would be outdone.

A bored looking man in his late twenties spoke up.

“One fine day, I woke up in a darned good mood. It was a Sunday and I had so much free time! I could meet friends, or lie in until lunch, or wake up but only watch movies, or day dream or or.. The possibilities were endless. A warm glow washed over my skin like the tingle of the morning sun after a cold night.”

“Then I snapped my phone open and it turned out it was a Monday.”

A seismic groan rived the metaphorical campfire in two and the audience… erupted. There was an instant of perfect pandemonium and then everybody - every single man, woman, child and dog - went home in utter silence.

There was nothing more to be said. This was the absolute worst thing that could happen to anybody.