Laws of Hiking

Once upon a time, Lord Murphy - the one True God - decided to take a break from his insufferable meddling in all of human existence and go on a hike. Surely, an already tortuous activity of repeatedly going up and down piles of rock only attracted a crowd of the masochistic variety, shall we say, that did not really need to hear his Message? He realized soon enough that he was wrong, and that he did have some preaching to do to the choir, so he sat down and formulated these nuggets of existential wisdom.

The Law of Relativity I

If you feel like it’s been an hour, it’s been twenty minutes.

The Law of Relativity II

If you’re absolutely certain deep within your bones that it’s been one hour, it’s been forty five minutes at best.

Dunning-Kruger Syndrome As Applied To Applied Mathematics

If, based on your current rate of progress you compute that it’ll take three hours to reach your destination, it will take at least four. 

The Law Of Mosquitoes, Rightful Inheritors of the Earth

Insect repellents don’t work.

The Theory of Pharmacology of Natural Drugs

The sound of rushing water is an addictive drug that fools you into believing you’re having fun. That gentle breeze pleasantly wafting into your face is a close second.

These natural drugs often also have hallucinogenic effects because when you really stop and look, you'll find that there isn't a water source nearby, and the air is stiller than in an underground crypt.

The Law of Mountain Meterology

After you spend ages carefully pitching your tunnel tent in the direction of the prevailing wind, it changes.

Observation On The Wellspring Of Creativity

If you've deluded yourself into constructing this fantasy that the long hours of solitude that go with hiking will strike at the wellspring of all creativity, and that you'll compose that perfect poem that'll rock the very soul of a generation, rid yourself of your childishness.

All that you will think about every waking second of every long day of tortured trudging is that painful next step, a step that is inevitable as it is meaningless, for it seems to get you no closer to your destination that is far, far beyond the horizon. If you're feeling expansive - perhaps triggered by an imaginary gust of cool air - you might even think about your next meal, or sitting down and taking a swig of crystal clear mountain water, or a soft bed, a soft, white, inviting bed.

The Law Of Associativity

If you take your favourite food along with you, it becomes your least favourite food by the end.

Corollary to The Law of Associativity

This also applies to shoes, clothes, books, lipstick, water bottles, toilet paper and quite possibly your own face. Avoid mirrors.

Murphy's Kindness

As he chuckled to himself in admiration at his own depraved genius, Murphy paused and reflected. In a moment of weakness, he realized that it wasn't all bad. Perhaps there was a silver lining, and it was that hiking could teach you the most important life lesson there is to learn.

That, yes, it is possible to grow tired of perfect beauty. For, you know, when you begin to consider if you should actually marry an Israeli supermodel for endless happiness.