The narrator’s camera pans slowly from an immeasurable distance into a fairly typical office conference room. Typical, because the room is brightly lit in painful blue-white, and because there’s an inevitable white board on one wall, around which are gathered two men in matching white, ties and identical puzzled expressions.
One man, let’s call him A, adjusted his tie and said:
“I think integrating an automated test suite should boost performance by three percent."
The other man (B, naturally) nodded pensively, chewing on the blue cap of a marker pen.
Little did they know that their boss had just waltzed into the conference room silently and was hovering just out of line of sight, lips parted, about to say something. The slowly closing automatic door shrieked agonizingly just as it shut, and drew their attention.
Four different expressions fought furiously to command their collective visage. Let me describe them this way: the most instinctive of these expressions could be described as an unquenchable hate; the most forced among them was an amiable - yet subservient - smile. Boss man didn't even notice, because he was saying this:
"Tell me why we can't make it four percent?"
A and B looked at each other. A ventured:
"Have you read our proposal? The best case scenario with the new autom-"
A was cut off by the appearance of a curt Boss-hand. Boss-voice added:
"I don't want to hear any buts! I believe that if you can do something a 100 percent, you should do it 110 percent! I'm a results oriented man! I don't take no for an answer!"
With each cliche, A sunk deeper and deeper into his chair. But then he happened to glance at B, and suddenly something clicked. Really hard, like the time when Archimedes said 'Eureka!' or Einstein discovered his thing.
B pulled a chair, and asked X - let's call Boss-man X, because calling him C would suggest an inferior status to A and B, and there's no way that's acceptable - to sit down. Surprised, but pleased at the servile flattery, X did sit down, and leaned forward in eager anticipation, a posture he'd read was perceived as enthusiastic in the 2004 reprint of '7 Behaviours of Highly Successful Leaders'.
B: "Sir, we believe that to give you the full and proper answer that your superbly manufactured question deserves, we need to set up some context."
A: "I think we best begin with the discovery of numbers." X moved as if to interrupt, but B shushed him insistently.
"The concept of cutting notches on rock as a rudimentary way of counting has been around for as long as we've not been apes."
B: "But I think the discovery of zero and then the place value system was what really pushed us into an era where something called mathematics could exist."
A: "The zero's deep-rooted connection to the base 10 numeral system, and the everyday usefulness of a number like 100 in this system led to the inevitable usage of a measure like the percentage."
B: "Your question was to of course do with a percentage, but don't worry! We've barely scratched the surface. We're going to make sure that you understand the full and complete context. The full and complete context."
X was utterly confounded, but just when he was about to get up and let loose a volley of indignant cliches, A patted him politely on the back, beaming. The 2008 reprint of '7 Behaviours of Highly Successful Leaders' did mention that friendly, un-enfored physical contact by a reporting employee was a sign of a great bond. Just as he finished processing this thought, he found himself nursing a hot cup of tea that B had shoved into his hands.
A: "To really understand computers we must understand two other things first: mathematics - from the Babylonians and the Indians to Alan Turing, and then the philosophical inquiry into the nature of intelligence itself."
B nodded gravely and interjected: "If human beings are but chemical automata, then our systems are perhaps already automated. Clearly, this isn't the school of thought we were driving at."
A: "Yes, indeed. Back to computers. The word computer is of course rooted in the word 'compute', which is of course rooted in mathematics."
"Mathematics.", B affirmed, one octave lower.
A: "So the story starts with -"
Several hours had passed. Even the carefully controlled corporate indoor lighting couldn't completely mask the fact that the sun appeared to have set in the real world. A and B glowed with the pure warmth of Boss-worship. X looked exhausted and confused. Now his hands were velcroed to his chair's sides, and he appeared to have some kind of seat-belt on. As his hands were tied, he couldn't even confirm that this was the case. He muttered weakly:
"Excellent presentation! I see why it would be hard to hit four percent with the new system. Can we all call it a day now?"
B looked shocked. A looked flabbergasted.
B: "No, no, no sir. We've barely touched upon the various ontological implications of automation. It is crucial to understand them to appreciate why our choice makes sense in the world we have today."
A: "Besides, we're yet to even begin with the definition of a system."
"Aaah," purred B in solemn agreement.
A: "If we don't agree on what a system is, how on earth can we propose an automated suite to improve it?"
"Whatever automation may be," inserted B, helpfully.
A: "Yes, thank you, B. Also we haven't yet defined what a suite is, so I'll just quickly throw this out there." Lowering his chin and looking from side to side to make sure the walls wouldn't hear, A whispered:
"Do not confuse it with hotel suites."
An unquantifiable period of time had passed. It was light outside, but X wasn't sure if it was the next day or a week after. At one point, he was so overcome by sleep that his eyelids had begun to seal themselves shut. Almost as soon as the thought had barely begun to be translated into motor action, A was there, using a clamp to force his mouth open and pouring concentrated caffeine inside.
An angelic smile split B's face. "Sir, we absolutely cannot have you miss even the slightest bit of context. We want you to make the best possible decision using the maximum amount of information you can absorb, so it's our duty to make sure that we enable you to achieve this."
Words from the 2004 reprint of 'Seven Behaviours of Highly Successful Leaders' floated in, uninvited. "When your employees take the initiative to do work they wouldn't normally do under the pain of death, you've reached the pinnacle."
X tried to smile, but his mouth was now sealed shut with duct tape.
A: "Where were we?"
B: "We were just talking about the evolution of quality analysis."
They say that when you spend a certain amount of time doing the same thing without pause, time seems to come to a standstill. Was that what was happening to X? He could never finish this thought though, as each time it began to coalesce, inevitably a hard slap would appear from nowhere and sting one cheek.
"Concentrate. Sir," a sweet voice would punctuate the action.
"So that's why we think three percent is a reasonable improvement using the automated test suite that's the best fit for our system," A finished off, looking expectantly at X. B walked over and loosened the velcro so that X could at least touch his hands together.
X clapped weakly, slowly. This action jarred all the way through the metallic rod that was used to keep his spine upright. The steel clips used to keep his eyelids open dug in with breath and he moaned.
A and B beamed.
With the duct now removed, X spat out the smelly gag and mumbled:
"Thank you."
"I understand now."
One man, let’s call him A, adjusted his tie and said:
“I think integrating an automated test suite should boost performance by three percent."
The other man (B, naturally) nodded pensively, chewing on the blue cap of a marker pen.
Little did they know that their boss had just waltzed into the conference room silently and was hovering just out of line of sight, lips parted, about to say something. The slowly closing automatic door shrieked agonizingly just as it shut, and drew their attention.
Four different expressions fought furiously to command their collective visage. Let me describe them this way: the most instinctive of these expressions could be described as an unquenchable hate; the most forced among them was an amiable - yet subservient - smile. Boss man didn't even notice, because he was saying this:
"Tell me why we can't make it four percent?"
A and B looked at each other. A ventured:
"Have you read our proposal? The best case scenario with the new autom-"
A was cut off by the appearance of a curt Boss-hand. Boss-voice added:
"I don't want to hear any buts! I believe that if you can do something a 100 percent, you should do it 110 percent! I'm a results oriented man! I don't take no for an answer!"
With each cliche, A sunk deeper and deeper into his chair. But then he happened to glance at B, and suddenly something clicked. Really hard, like the time when Archimedes said 'Eureka!' or Einstein discovered his thing.
B pulled a chair, and asked X - let's call Boss-man X, because calling him C would suggest an inferior status to A and B, and there's no way that's acceptable - to sit down. Surprised, but pleased at the servile flattery, X did sit down, and leaned forward in eager anticipation, a posture he'd read was perceived as enthusiastic in the 2004 reprint of '7 Behaviours of Highly Successful Leaders'.
B: "Sir, we believe that to give you the full and proper answer that your superbly manufactured question deserves, we need to set up some context."
A: "I think we best begin with the discovery of numbers." X moved as if to interrupt, but B shushed him insistently.
"The concept of cutting notches on rock as a rudimentary way of counting has been around for as long as we've not been apes."
B: "But I think the discovery of zero and then the place value system was what really pushed us into an era where something called mathematics could exist."
A: "The zero's deep-rooted connection to the base 10 numeral system, and the everyday usefulness of a number like 100 in this system led to the inevitable usage of a measure like the percentage."
B: "Your question was to of course do with a percentage, but don't worry! We've barely scratched the surface. We're going to make sure that you understand the full and complete context. The full and complete context."
X was utterly confounded, but just when he was about to get up and let loose a volley of indignant cliches, A patted him politely on the back, beaming. The 2008 reprint of '7 Behaviours of Highly Successful Leaders' did mention that friendly, un-enfored physical contact by a reporting employee was a sign of a great bond. Just as he finished processing this thought, he found himself nursing a hot cup of tea that B had shoved into his hands.
A: "To really understand computers we must understand two other things first: mathematics - from the Babylonians and the Indians to Alan Turing, and then the philosophical inquiry into the nature of intelligence itself."
B nodded gravely and interjected: "If human beings are but chemical automata, then our systems are perhaps already automated. Clearly, this isn't the school of thought we were driving at."
A: "Yes, indeed. Back to computers. The word computer is of course rooted in the word 'compute', which is of course rooted in mathematics."
"Mathematics.", B affirmed, one octave lower.
A: "So the story starts with -"
Several hours had passed. Even the carefully controlled corporate indoor lighting couldn't completely mask the fact that the sun appeared to have set in the real world. A and B glowed with the pure warmth of Boss-worship. X looked exhausted and confused. Now his hands were velcroed to his chair's sides, and he appeared to have some kind of seat-belt on. As his hands were tied, he couldn't even confirm that this was the case. He muttered weakly:
"Excellent presentation! I see why it would be hard to hit four percent with the new system. Can we all call it a day now?"
B looked shocked. A looked flabbergasted.
B: "No, no, no sir. We've barely touched upon the various ontological implications of automation. It is crucial to understand them to appreciate why our choice makes sense in the world we have today."
A: "Besides, we're yet to even begin with the definition of a system."
"Aaah," purred B in solemn agreement.
A: "If we don't agree on what a system is, how on earth can we propose an automated suite to improve it?"
"Whatever automation may be," inserted B, helpfully.
A: "Yes, thank you, B. Also we haven't yet defined what a suite is, so I'll just quickly throw this out there." Lowering his chin and looking from side to side to make sure the walls wouldn't hear, A whispered:
"Do not confuse it with hotel suites."
An unquantifiable period of time had passed. It was light outside, but X wasn't sure if it was the next day or a week after. At one point, he was so overcome by sleep that his eyelids had begun to seal themselves shut. Almost as soon as the thought had barely begun to be translated into motor action, A was there, using a clamp to force his mouth open and pouring concentrated caffeine inside.
An angelic smile split B's face. "Sir, we absolutely cannot have you miss even the slightest bit of context. We want you to make the best possible decision using the maximum amount of information you can absorb, so it's our duty to make sure that we enable you to achieve this."
Words from the 2004 reprint of 'Seven Behaviours of Highly Successful Leaders' floated in, uninvited. "When your employees take the initiative to do work they wouldn't normally do under the pain of death, you've reached the pinnacle."
X tried to smile, but his mouth was now sealed shut with duct tape.
A: "Where were we?"
B: "We were just talking about the evolution of quality analysis."
They say that when you spend a certain amount of time doing the same thing without pause, time seems to come to a standstill. Was that what was happening to X? He could never finish this thought though, as each time it began to coalesce, inevitably a hard slap would appear from nowhere and sting one cheek.
"Concentrate. Sir," a sweet voice would punctuate the action.
"So that's why we think three percent is a reasonable improvement using the automated test suite that's the best fit for our system," A finished off, looking expectantly at X. B walked over and loosened the velcro so that X could at least touch his hands together.
X clapped weakly, slowly. This action jarred all the way through the metallic rod that was used to keep his spine upright. The steel clips used to keep his eyelids open dug in with breath and he moaned.
A and B beamed.
With the duct now removed, X spat out the smelly gag and mumbled:
"Thank you."
"I understand now."
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